Article by Tim King
Cancer sticks, fags, darts, bogies, durries, Joe Camel’s Tobacco Fun-Time Batons, whatever you call cigarettes, if you’re a smoker November was probably kind of a bummer for you. Xi’an’s indoor smoking ban came swift and hard on November 1st, defying my preconceived notions about Xi’an in every way possible. This is undoubtedly a net positive for the city, a fact that only the most ardent nicotine addicts would argue, but that doesn’t change the other fact that the new law literally throws smokers out in the cold. If you’re one of the many that took a butt kicking and now find yourself shivering outside bars for a cigarette, here are some suggestions to help you cope with this seismic change
1. EAT ALL THE GUOBA AND PEANUTS
For many, smoking is a compulsion tied to an oral fixation. Bar snacks are a great way to keep things in your mouth, and will also help you keep up with the new hunger pangs that will come from your nicotine withdrawals. See also: chewing gum or eating hard candy.
It comes in multiple flavors, like banana, blueberry and desperate-attempt-to-look-hip. Why be a smoker when you could be a douche bag instead?
3. STOP SMOKING
What? Why would you ever do that?
This can’t really be an option, can it?
Let’s just move on.
4. PLAY PLAYERUNKNOWN’S BATTLEGROUNDS ON YOUR PHONE
Since smoking in Xi’an is now an inherently anti-social activity, why not just go full-bore anti-social by playing Tencent’s free mobile port of PUBG? I’m not in the tank for PUBG, but let’s be honest, you can still chain smoke a whole layer of ozone while playing Candy Crush, whereas trying to shoot at and getting shot at by 99 other people will tend to keep your hands glued to your phone and away from your Zhongnanhai.
A lot of people don’t know that the PM in PM2.5 stands for Philip Morris. I’ve never seen a bar with an air purifier, so you can still get that rich, smooth, satisfying Xi’an flavor just by taking in a big ol’ lung-buster of air.
6. GET BLACKED OUT
Can’t smoke cigarettes if you’re passed out face-down on a table.
Hopefully this will help ease your transition into our new tobacco-free nightmare dystopia. Happy trails, all you Marlboro cowboys and cowgirls.
Tim King is the editor-in-chief of Xianease and may or may not have had a cigarette before. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org