CROSS CULTURAL DATING

Written by Gary Wood

My curiosity for cross-cultural transitions is once again back in full swing. This time I’m aiming for a small glimpse into the world of cross-cultural relationships. Having dated both Chinese and Western people, I’ve experienced such cultural differences on both a positive and negative scale, i.e. misunderstandings, relationship roles, refusing to carry their pink handbag etc. The loyalty we have towards our own culture and traditions can often result in problems accepting another. However, I wanted to broaden my perspective by asking 3 Xi’an residents about their own experiences of cross-cultural dating and what advice they may have for others.

 

Name: David Wright  Age: 30  Nationality: American
Partner’s nationality: Chinese
Length of relationship: 5 years (Engaged)
If any, what challenges do you face together? 
As neither of us are religious, nor are we very ideologically motivated, the majority of our problems are domestic and thus probably not too dissimilar from other couples. We disagree about where to eat, what time to return home from a night out and whose turn it is to do the dishes.
Has this cross-cultural experience changed the way you view relationships? 
I think the most important thing we’ve both learned about relationships is the importance of honesty. In the past I always assumed my partner would be able to guess at what I wanted without saying it. Because we are cross cultural, and therefore our desires are more difficult for the other to guess, I think we’ve dispensed with that for the most part. Telling each other what we think and want is better than expecting the other person to be a mind reader.
Have you had to deal with the in-laws yet? How did it go? 
We have both met the in-laws. Actually, that was one of the more difficult aspects of our relationship; as an American I really wanted to meet the family before the engagement. Eventually we compromised by traveling to America pre-engagement and meeting her family here post-engagement.
It was quite awkward the first time I met her mother. She had us over to her house for dinner and all the Chinese I have just flew out the window. Eventually I squeezed out enough words for her mother to feel it was sufficient and we talked on the subject of marriage. She made it clear from the beginning that she thought this was going to be harder than we realized but she also offered her support. It was a huge relief once it was done, but without a doubt it was one of the harder situations we’d faced together.
What is your advice towards making a cross cultural relationship work?
I think you just need to be prepared to deal with a little extra adversity which I think can make your relationship stronger.
Do you plan to stay here in the long-term or do you have plans to move elsewhere?
We intend to stay here long term, although we plan on spending 1-2 months in America each year.
Name: Natalya Benjamin Age: 26 Nationality: British
Partner’s nationality: Chinese 
Length of relationship: 6 months
If any, what challenges do you face together?
The biggest challenge is not being able to speak Chinese. Although my bf can speak fluent English, there are still times when he might say something inappropriate in English because he doesn’t know how to express it correctly. It’s more of a cultural thing than a communication thing on his part. With me however it is quite embarrassing, especially when I’m around his family and friends. It makes me feel like I’m on the outside and even though they don’t have a problem with it, I still feel guilty and ashamed for not learning it prior to coming here.
Has this cross-cultural experience changed the way you view relationships? No not really.
Have you had to deal with the in-laws yet? How did it go? Yes and I was sooooooo scared the first time I met them. I was thinking they would hate me because I’m not Chinese but actually they were really friendly. It was a little awkward as we couldn’t’ say much to each other without my bf translating but it went well. I can feel they are happy for us, BUT I always keep my tattoos covered. That’s one thing I don’t think they would be able to accept haha!
What is your advice towards making a cross cultural relationship work? Always remind yourself that English is not their first language so that you don’t get offended or confused too easily. Also try hard to learn about their culture so you can understand them more too. Oh and try not to worry too much about your families. When there are countries in between you it can make you worry about the future but what I do is just think that it’s an excuse to take more family holidays!
Do you plan to stay here in the long-term or do you have plans to move elsewhere? We both want to move elsewhere because the education system in China is too hard on children. We will stay here and save up for another two years, but we won’t settle here.

 

Name: David Wachiuri Age: 28 Nationality: Kenyan
Partner’s nationality: Chinese
Length of relationship: 3 years
If any, what challenges do you face together?
Well there have been a few challenges at first it was about the eating habits, but with time I got used to the food in China and she was able to make a few western dishes. Apart from this we have had a few challenges on how we view different aspects of life but we always seem to find a common ground
Has this cross-cultural experience changed the way you view relationships? 
Yes, being in a cross- cultural relationship has made me have a deeper understanding of Chinese people and how things are done in China. It has also changed the way I see others cultures and has also had an impact on how I live my life.
Do you plan to meet the in-laws soon? If yes, how do you feel about it? 
The topic has come up several times and we are planning on a date to meet up with the in-laws. It always feels awkward to meet the in laws for the first time, but we want to get it over with once and for all.
What is your advice towards making a cross cultural relationship work?
1.Communication: I think communication is one of the most important aspects in a cross cultural relationship; I have had to learn Chinese in case she doesn’t understand what I mean in English.
2.Learn to understand each other’s cultural beliefs about time, discipline and personal space.
Do you plan to stay here in the long-term or do you have plans to move elsewhere?
We plan on staying here for another couple of years before we move on to another place.
As with all relationships, it appears that communication plays a vital role. Being explicit in your desires, thoughts and attitudes could be one way to possibly eradicate any conflict. Expecting a partner, who comes from an entirely different culture, to instinctively understand your perspectives and reasons for doing, saying or thinking in a certain way would be slightly naive. Understanding and accepting that your partner’s culture is very different to your own, will likely go a long way in forging a successful foundation for a long term relationship. In closing, I would like to say a big thank you to my interviewees for their input and making this article possible.